Monday, July 04, 2005

Confucious Confused

A couple of days ago, I was chillin' at Sudeep's place. Sudeep is a very close friend from my college days. So basically you can say that he is one of the very few people who have known me (and I have known) for all my adult life. We have seen each other grow up and now face the world. Catching up on old times, listening to some soothing music, it was altogether a nice relaxing evening. During the evening, the topic of the future came up. That there was the first sign of times having changed. I have known Sudeep quite well for about 9 years now, and I think this was the first time we had this chat. Leaving aside all that was discussed, suffice to say that the drive back home for me was quite an introspective one.

Do I know what exactly I want to do for the rest of my life???

That is one question that I have no answer to. I am secretly envious of all professional sportsmen and actors and journalists and most doctors and most lawyers, simply because they know what it is that they want to do for the rest of their lives. Even if they are not very successful, at least they know that this is what they want to be doing for the rest of their career. They may be motivated by material things like success and fame, but honestly since all these guys are doing what they love and enjoy, crap like promotions and pay hikes really dont matter to them. Having lived a completely confused life since the beginning,I actually have no idea what it is that I wish to do. I don't think I would like to remain a product engineer when I am 60+. The question I put to myself is this.. What do I want to define myself as, when I am on the verge of retirement?

The answer unfortunately was not very easy to get. I still have not found the correct answer, even though I have spent close to 27 years on this planet. Somehow the future looks a lot scarier than what I thought it would be. I would eventually like to be my own boss, but I don't know what it is that I am good at. Engineering may be fun and I like it, but I can;t see myself providing quality skills to the world through my engineering abilities. Maybe I would like to write a book or start a restaurant. But I have no clue. It is so much easier for people who know what they want to do in their lives. They don't have to worry about such things. I think I shall write something and pass it on to friends for their output. Let's see what happens. A restaurant is way in the future. I guess the only way I can do that and be successful, is be a success at something else so that people are enticed into coming. Irrespective of the idea the worry of feeding my family remains. I am not the best engineer in the world. In fact my skills may even be in the last quartile of engineers in the world. But I do know that whatever it is, I know enough that my wife (and future kids) and I can live a decent life. How can I let go of that simple fact and start on something from scratch without any guarantee of success? I have a sincere feeling that that is the reason people buy the lottery. If someone were to take a demographic, I bet a minor bunch are self-employed.

Is life always so confusing? Am I the only one with such insecure thoughts? Is this feeling called insecure?