Curb Your Enthusiasm

Someone called Gandhi "gay and bisexual" or something like that in a book. Needless to say, the book is now being banned in every state in India, even without anyone having read the book.

Every chief minister in India is bending over backwards (backwards, mind you) to defend the honour of the Father of the Nation.

But does it really matter??

If I were Sunil Gavaskar, I probably would have said that Gandhi couldn't have been gay, because only the English are gay and definitely not bisexual as only Aussies are bisexual, but since I am not, all I will say is I really don't care.

Gandhi (Mohandas, not Indira, btw) is the greatest individual to have existed in the 20th century.

He is the greatest because he resisted the temptation to retaliate, instead insisted on changing himself.

He is the greatest because his method of "regime change" cost a few trillion dollars less than George Bush or Barack Obama's methods, for a lot lesser body count.

The reason he is respected has nothing to do with his sexuality. Call him gay, bisexual, heck call him a cross-dresser for all I care.

If Gandhi were alive, he wouldn't have asked for a ban.

Now if someone were to say that he was an MI5 agent (gay, straight or otherwise) I'd be cross if it is proven.

Cross about a cross dressing double crosser.

PS: This is what a cheap shot feels like, Sunny bhai.  

Sunil Gavaskar - Asshole Extraordinaire

Does any single individual make you proud to be an Indian?

If so, who could such an individual be?

Very likely, I would imagine, it would be someone who has scaled the pinnacle of achievement in his/her field and inspires you to achieve more in your chosen field, regardless of whether it is the same.

Vishwanathan Anand, Sachin Tendulkar, Amitabh Bachchan, maybe?? At least judging from people's Facebook updates it seems like this list would be inclusive of such dignitaries.

For me, personally, such individuals don't quite make me proud of being an Indian, but I must admit, I feel happy for them in their successes and share their sorrows like one of my own.

But I do know of individuals who make me ashamed of being an Indian.

Say hello to Sunil Gavaskar, a.k.a Asshole Extraordinaire..

Why do I call him this?

A.   Could it be his completely selfish commentary about how batsmen should slow down when approaching personal landmarks that might mean something in a World Cup Final, but really count for shit if you're in a "Max Mobile" Tri-series with Zimbabwe and Sri Lanka?

 

B.   Or could it be his blatantly partisan commentary during India games, when as an "expert" he is supposed to be unbiased, though he's not quite the only guilty party of that?

 

C.   Or is it his acute persecution complex where everything is just a conspiracy of white people with nothing better to do than blame Indians for everything evil under the sun?

 

D.   Or could it be his ability to say what he wants in the press with absolutely no regard for propriety, decency, or even basic manners, as long as it doesn't affect his remuneration or his various commentary stints?

 

E.   All of the above.

Money quote from today's TOI – Pune Edition (pg 21)

Replacements are usually allowed for external injuries, yet England was given one for a player who was 'mentally depressed'. How is that 'injury' verifiable? Who verified it? Just imagine if BCCI had asked for replacements for Piyush Chawla and Ashish Nehra, who have every reason to be depressed. There would have been howls of protests at the wealthy BCCI for juggernauting its way through for flimsy reasons.

You sir, Mr. Gavaskar, have fallen way down in my estimation. I may not be qualified enough to give you lessons on a forward defensive stroke, nor can I lobby ESPN to get rid of you, but the least I can do in protest is to call you the one thing that you seem most apt.

Calling you an asshole is an insult to all the other people that I have ever called an asshole, such that I plan to call them up personally and apologise for having ever bunched them up an insensitive, pompous asshole such as yourself.

Mental Health Break

The Main reason why we would win the World Cup...

The more things change....

Sooooooooooooooo…

A game that we all have been waiting for and dreading..

The World Cup Quarter Final..

Defending champions against the hosts (and supposedly the favorites)..

A game where the team we loathe is playing the team that can do no wrong..

A game which (We’d like) would be the last game for one of the most hated characters in this part of the world..

But a character that we know is probably one of the best we’d ever see..

A game between two teams who fight hard, as hard as it can get, on the field, but are pretty chummy when they get off it..

A game, that thousands of Indians would brave the March afternoon sun to watch..

A game that should all goes well, kids would say for years to come “I was there…”

If it doesn’t, a game that we won’t look back with regret..

Instead, just shrug our shoulders and say, “Well.. If you lose, you might as well lose to them!!!”

2011??

Naah, 1996 ..

Affirmation... (With due apologies to Savage Garden)

I believe:

- The more time you spend in office, the more sterile your emotions become. The more sterile your emotions become, the more monotonous life seems.

- It is important to remember what happiness feels like.

- It's good once in a while to take stock of your life and just count your blessings, instead of bitching about why traffic sucks..

- Everyone needs a confidante. The lucky ones have their best friends as their confidantes. The really lucky ones have their spouses as their confidantes.. But don't have more than one confidante.

- It's important to share your sorrows and fears with people who care about you. You'll find that the more you hold back, the more miserable you become.

- It's ok to cry.. Could be in public, could be in the bathroom.. But just cry it out, it's just going to make you that much tougher.. and you definitely definitely feel much better.. Kinda like vomitting when heat & acidity strikes.. Gross, I know, but I couldn't put it any more effictively.. Many people I know would rather vomit than cry..

- If someone cries like this in front of you, don't say a word. Just be there for them. Nothing you say will make them feel better, but the fact that you're there for them will help you win their trust. Most people just want to pour out their emotions without interruptions..

- Never, NEVER, NEVER take your confidantes for granted. They're all you have actually..

Everything else, is just a state of mind..

Dainik Jargon

Jargon, is something you probably encounter every day. Jargon, the Oxford Dictionary tells us, is "special words or expressions used by a profession or group that are difficult for others to understand…" Therefore the use of jargon serves multiple purposes to a user:

-      The user of said jargon can aptly show that (s)he is an integral part of a select group, and is extremely knowledgeable of the norms and expressions to be used by the group, regardless of whether he understands the meaning of what it is (s)he has actually said

-      The listener of said jargon has no option but to nod in agreement at the use of the said jargon. This is because either:

o   The listener fully understands the expressions of the said group and is an equally integral part of the select group

OR

o   The listener has no idea what the jargon means, but if the listener were to ask for further clarification, (s)he would appear ignorant, maybe even stupid, and definitely an outsider to the said group, and no one, but NO ONE, wants to be an outsider to a group.

Thus, the use of jargon automatically ensures you don't have to answer questions. And answering questions is a bloody pain. The other beauty of using jargon is that you come across as especially intelligent, by using terms and expressions which only a select few know. However, wrong usage of jargon can be equally ruinous, since you would come across as ignorant, maybe even stupid, and definitely an outsider to the said group, and no one, but… OK you know where I am going with this, right?

Most people tend to confuse jargon with the other corporate favorite -Bullshit. This association is however an incorrect and unfair one, and is mostly charged on jargon users by those who do not understand the jargon, and are therefore made to feel outsiders to the group. There is a major fundamental difference.

Use of jargon automatically assumes that the listener understands the core argument being made by the speaker, and the understanding of the subject, and the said jargon matters to the person using the jargon. Harry G. Frankfurt, in his book "On Bullshit", terms Bullshit, is that what is spewed when the speaker really does not care whether the listener understands the entire argument. You could even say that willful use of incorrect jargon is the definition of bullshit. Oxford Dictionary though terms bullshit as "talk nonsense to (someone) in an attempt to deceive them". Close enough I say.

To illustrate further, here's a simple example.

You might think on reading this article, that I am using quotes from the OED, and Harry G. Frankfurt, a noted philosopher. That makes me somewhat intellectual and smart and basically using philosophical jargon.

I, for one, think all that is written above is plain bullshit…

Somebody's idea...

Somebody once came up with an idea that could convert salt water into oil, but didn't know how to go about it.

 

So he approached Everybody asking what he should do.

 

When Everybody heard that here was something that could convert salt water into oil, Everybody jumped at the idea.

 

Everybody could plainly see that there was profit to be had. There was wealth and prosperity in the offing for Everybody. So Everybody came up with a plan and told Somebody:

 

"This is a GREAT Idea.. This will make us gazillions.. We need to be very careful.. Don't you go around telling this to Anybody.. Only you and I ought to get this thing done.."

 

"Why would I tell Anybody? This is my idea after all!! You know and I both know that if Anybody finds out, you and I will lose"

 

"That's right" said Everybody. "In this situation, Nobody can be trusted"

 

"You trust Nobody??"

 

"Yeah, Nobody knows exactly needs to be done in this situation"

 

So they approached Nobody to help them out.

 

Everybody started talking "You see this idea?? Here we can make loads of money.. Just take salt water and make it into oil.. The world runs on oil, The World will run on our oil!!"

 

Nobody liked their enthusiasm, but Nobody felt that profit was too much of a blinding factor for Everybody.

 

Nobody asked them, "What's so special about this idea will make you money??"

 

"Can't you see?? The world needs oil.. And here we have the capability to make oil!!! We'll be rich!!!" Nobody could see the dollars in Everybody's eyes.

 

"Whose benefit are you looking at, Everybody?" Nobody asked "The general public, or just Everybody's?"

 

"Everybody's benefit is Everybody's benefit"

"Have you told Anybody about this??"

 

"No, all Anybody does, is ask questions.. I don't think we should use his help.."

 

Nobody said, "Well, I'm not as convinced as you are, but if you're convinced, you should go for it. It's none of my business. But I do feel you should tell Somebody about this.."

 

So Everybody got to work with help from Somebody, without telling Anybody. He got the salt, the water, the apparatus, the works.. The diligence in Everybody's eyes had to be seen to be believed.. After a lot of hard work and months of labor, they finally got oil out of the salt water.. They refined the process such that the oil creation could be done at home by the Average Joe..

 

You'd think it would have worked but it didn't..

 

What Everybody thought was a great money making idea, didn't turn out to be so..

 

Whose fault was it??  

 

What does it matter??

 

When Somebody comes up with an idea that Everybody wants a piece of, if Nobody has any doubts, make sure you are ready to answer questions from Anybody!!!

Bollywood Apologies - Courtesy YouTube

Most generations, have their own styles and sensibilities which when seen out of context 30 years later can be termed as downright crazy. The Germans have a word, (Promptly stolen by Google) called Zeitgeist, which is like the "Ghost of the times".

To give you an example, 2 words should suffice - Bharat Bhushan. How he became such a big star in the 50's is way way beyond me. When my grandparents criticized the movies of my teenage years, all I said was "Bharat Bhushan" and that would make them look away.. or Asha Parekh for my dad.. "Oh Daddyyyy!!!"

But that doesn't mean that the movies I grew up watching and patronizing were not worthy of embarrassment. So in the name of fairness, maturity and "please don't bug me about this anymore when I criticize your favourite movies and movie stars", here are my apologies to my previous and future generations for the following:

- The Punjabization of popular cinema: It was sweet when Kajol and Shahrukh (or should I say Simran and Raj) came from London, with as desi an accent that an "ABCD" (Anglo-Born-Confused-Desi, in this case) can have. But it stopped being fun when Ajay Devgan and Kajol, came from Paris, landed in Mumbai, decided to go to Goa and landed up in "Sarson-ke-khet waala gaon". Things are getting a bit better, but not really.

- Karan Johar and the NRI fascination: I was an NRI for the better part of 5 years. Neither me, nor most of the other NRIs I knew, lived in opulent palaces or broke into shudh Hindustani everytime there was anything worth their time. When Ranbir Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra decide to jump of the Brooklyn Bridge, and then drive from NYC to SFO, part of the reason no-one watches the movie is coz most people are wondering why not just drive from Delhi to Mumbai???

- Bollywood acronyms: DDLJ, again the culprit here, but it's something that shouldn't have happened.

And now, for some apologies for what we had to bear with on the screen:

- Lyrics of A.R. Rehman songs: Melbourne machhli and Maya Machhindra anyone??



- I think when I criticize Annika's favourite stars and songs, her two words for me will be Kumar Sanu..

- For all those who call Aamir Khan a perfectionist, I see their perfectionist and raise them a Raja Hindustani..

- A 40 year old Rishi Kapoor romancing a 17 year old Divya Bharati.


- Sunny Deol's dance steps: Kids of today, Watch. Learn. Enjoy.



And last, but definitely not the least. THE Song, which every 1990s Bollywood fan go red in the face.



My apologies for all of this.

If there's anything else you would want me to apologize for, do let me know..

Things I think I think - World Cup edition

As Pranab Mukherjee lays awake at night wondering how much of their hard earned money he will need next year, a few million people have more important things on their mind.

 

I am one such.

 

-          I will be extremely surprised if India wins this World Cup. Somewhere deep inside, I think Dhoni and Kirsten know that as well. Not just because we bowled the way we did against England, but our bowling needs responsive pitches. Except for Zaheer Khan, our bowling department is not quite fluent in the skills section. Their role is more to trundle along and ensure the ball goes 22 yards, hopefully on a single bounce. Outwitting the batsman is not really our forte.

 

-          The Super Over is a mighty fine way to break a tie in a T20 game. But not quite sure the team bowling second will be mentally ready to pick up the bat for 1 over. Especially after all the excitement they would have gone through to tie the game in the first place, having been in the field for close to 4 hours. Maybe we already had our one tied game for this world cup, but I'm just saying it's not a fair contest.

 

-          Munaf Patel's one short run was the difference between 338 and 339. It was the difference between 1 point and 2 points. It might just be the difference between playing Sri Lanka and Pakistan in the quarters.

 

-          Right now, if I were Dhoni, I'd rather play Sri Lanka given how much we've played them over the last 3 years.

 

-          With the Netherlands and Ireland both running fancied teams very close in their first games, Group B is tough to predict. But my lineup from the group is South Africa, India, England, the winner of Bangladesh/West Indies. (in that order). I pick India above England, since I see both losing to SA, while beating the rest. NRR is something that India traditionally has been an expert in.

 

-          Group A is much easier. Australia, Pakistan and Sri Lanka (in that order). The fourth team doesn't really matter. Speaking of which, Sri Lanka ought to be ashamed that they're going to be third in a group which has been basically designed to suit their needs.

 

-    Sometime in the afternoon of March 20, MS Dhoni and Darren Sammy will go out to the toss knowing exactly what they need to do, to avoid playing Australia / Pakistan / Sri Lanka in the first knock-out game. None of the other teams will have that opportunity. That is about as unfair as it can get. The ICC, in its greed to maximize revenue, has sold 13 teams down the river, so that the sponsors can get maximum value by having India play on a Sunday.

 

-          And speaking of stupid, as Humphrey Bogart once said, "Of all the gin joints in all the cities in the world, she had to come to mine!!" (or something like that), of all the appeals against all the teams, the stupidest UDRS decision comes against India. Which is not so bad. Because, for all it's worth, the UDRS is more an outcome of the ICC being seen to do something, rather than the ICC actually doing something. If you're doing something so that it helps your image, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I don't know what Dhoni means when he says "adulteration of human intellect and technology", but the whole thing was stupid.

 

-          Don't ask me what the ICC should do instead of the UDRS. I don't get paid enough money to decide such things. But if Sharad Pawar were to come to me with an offer, I'd surely think about it.

 

-          Coming back to the World Cup, here are the reasons based on what I have seen why the following teams will not win it:

 

o   Australia: Not enough experience post Ponting and Clarke in the batting order. Plus not sure about Steve Smith as a No. 7 who can make a potential 300 score into a 350.

o   Bangladesh: They seem focused on reaching the quarter finals. I haven't heard a single Bangladesh player saying they're here to win the World Cup. They'd just rather beat India, England and everyone else in the group. When they don't believe themselves, why should I bother?

o   England: You can't not win a game where you have 60 –odd to win in the last 10 overs with 8 wickets in hand and hope to have a chance of winning the cup.

o   India: See above. Plus they don't have anyone who is guaranteed to score 25 runs at a strike rate of 125 and then bowl 10 overs at less than 7 per over.  Whatever Yusuf Pathan provides is a bonus.

o   New Zealand: Vettori would rank alongside Churchill and Napoleon if they were to win.

o   Pakistan: Just too many knock out games given their unpredictability.

o   South Africa: I know I am being picky, but their 6, 7 and 8 lineup (du Plessis, Botha, Peterson) doesn't quite inspire. They DO have the best batsman (Amla), best allrounder (Kallis), best bowler (Steyn) and the best fielder (Duminy) though.

o   Sri Lanka: They're playing with 10 men on current ability, and Murali on sentiment alone. You pretty much need to take any two out of Dilshan, Prince Kumara or Captain Mahela on the cheap, and you win the game.

o   West Indies: Their fortunes just changed when Dwayne Bravo turned his knee.

o   The rest: If you truly, madly, deeply believe that one of them will win the world cup, and they really do, you my friend should be getting into the soothsayer business. We haven't had a good one since Nostradamus.

 

In short, I don't know who will win.

 

-          So, given this, my pick is:

o   Quarter Finals: Australia – Bangladesh/WI, Pakistan – England, Sri Lanka – India, Doesn't matter – South Africa

o   Semi Finals: Australia – India, England – South Africa

o   Finals: Australia – South Africa

o   Winner: Australia.

(Based on the "Federal" theorem of sports named jointly after Roger Federer & Rafael Nadal. Unless someone beats them, there's no way anyone else is winning the Cup. ) The last time they lost a World Cup game, Virat Kohli was in 5th standard..

 

As I approach yet another Sunday...

How many of these questions can you answer?

-          Do you know what is a Trunk call?

-          Does the name Salma Sultan or Komal G.B. Singh have any resonance??

-          Can you sing "Mile Sur Mera Tumhara"?

-          In how many languages?

-          Does the phrase "Afternoon News for the Hearing Impaired" bring to you an image of a Sunday afternoon, with  picture-in-picture newscast with a nice looking lady reading in the inset window, and a fat (ok, chubby) lady talking in sign language?

-          Samuha Gaan – ring a bell?? A choir of gents on one side dressed in Khadi kurtas and cotton trousers and ladies on the other side happily singing songs on National Integration..

-          Does the phrase "Deepika Ji" immediately bring back memories of "Nirma Super"??

-          Do you have ANY idea what I am talking about??

 

Chances are you are roughly my age and were in India in the late 1980s

 

This is what my normal Sunday looked like in those days:

08:00 – 08:45:     Wake up

08:45 – 09:00:     Make sure you have electricity

09:00 – 10:00:     Cartoon on TV. (Mickey & Donald show, He-Man, Gayab Aaya, etc.)

10:00 – 11:00:     Mahabharata

11:00 – 12:00:     Do other stuff like have a bath, breakfast, etc

12:00 – 12:30:     Street Hawk, (subsequently replaced by Knight Rider)

12:30 – 16:00:     Lunch, afternoon nap, homework if applicable

16:00 – 16:30:     World of Sports (optional, but all my friends and I watched it. Showed stuff like Spanish football and the Tour de France)

16:30 – 17:30:     Vikram aur Vetaal; Spiderman

17:30 – 19:30:     Go out to play with your friends

19:30 – 20:30:     Go home, wash up, dinner

20:30 – 21:00:     Do something, (anything) while the elders watch Samachar

21:00 – 21:30:     Hope there's something nice on TV

21:30 -           :       Sleep

 

Ok, the details might be varying a little bit here and there, but I'm sure if you're roughly my age and Indian, you probably find yourself at least nodding at some of the things written above.. There are so many memories, which we have that applies to almost the entire generation..  

 

I know it's tough to say for sure, but you can argue that regardless of whether you were rich or poor, Hindu or Parsi, boy or girl, in India circa 1980s, you had essentially the same choices in front of you. In most cases, the number of choices was more than zero, and less than two.. Everyone had the same weekend, and everyone had the same Monday morning recollections of the weekend.. You could relate to one another, essentially because regardless of who you were, you pretty much had the same stuff going on in your house.. Voices were less shrill, and the need to sell was minimal.. Lalita ji and her son Sanju sold Rin (Thoda sa Rin), and that was that..

 

Speaking of which, when was the last time you heard the phrase "National Integration"??

 

A parrot named Annika folds her hands every time we open the fridge in her presence and goes "Thank you God for everything!!!"

 

I have half a mind to teach her to say "Thank you Manmohan Singh"

I am a concerned Indian, and I am not going to stand for this bullshit again..

I received this email in my inbox today:

*****

Dear Friends! Petrol in Pakistan Rs17 per ltr Malaysia Rs 18 per ltr In India it's Rs.65per ltr Why is there a difference within India itself? World Market? CRUDE Oil is not the reason for this.  It's all Gain for private owners? As we are the general public, or Common Man as R.K.Laxman wud hv said, we have to raise our voice, let's raise thru Emails. Forward this to all Indians who care. IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE DID NOT PURCHASE A DROP OF PETROL FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME, THE OIL COMPANIES WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILES. AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS OVER 4.6 BILLION DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL COMPANIES.  THEREFORE "Feb.14th" HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED "STICK IT UP THEIR BEHIND " DAY AND THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION SHOULD NOT BUY A SINGLE DROP OF PETROL THAT DAY. THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD OUT. WAITING ON THE GOVERNMENT TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE PRICES IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND CONTROL IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO? REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF PETROL GOING UP BUT AT THE SAME TIME AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES, TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES WHICH AFFECTS PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD, CLOTHING, BUILDING SUPPLIES MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC. WHO PAYS IN THE END? WE DO! WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IF THEY DON'T GET THE MESSAGE AFTER ONE DAY, WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.  SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE WORD. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. MARK YOUR CALENDARS AND MAKE* * *Feb* 14th  A DAY THAT THE CITIZENS SAY "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" We forward so many junk email to many of our friends, now let us do it for some useful cause to cut down the price of the petrol .. .... REMEMBER : *Feb * 14th ***********

I am trying to calculate the number of instances where the logic is not only flawed, but downright insulting to anyone who actually bothers to think..

 

So let's start from the top:

 

First and foremost – Who decided for me that Feb 14^th is this "Stick it up Ambani's backside day"?? Did I ask you to?? If you and your college friends have decided this sitting in your college canteen while having your chai-samosa, let me also tell you that when I was your age, I believed that the world would have peace one day and global hunger would be a thing of the past.. Nothing of that sort happened, nor is it likely to anytime soon.. If you are requesting me to join in your crusade, you might want to lower your volume a bit.. I simply don't share your outrage..

 

Here's why:

 

1.      Prices of Crude Oil remain the same worldwide.. As I type this, price of crude oil is $103 / barrel, which, post processing, leads to roughly 75 Litres of petrol (http://auto.howstuffworks.com/fuel-efficiency/fuel-consumption/gas-price.htm).

 

Let's say our input raw material is worth $103 = Rs. 4532 / 75 L = INR 60.00 per litre..

 

The rough estimate for converting Crude Oil to petrol goes something like this. (Again: http://auto.howstuffworks.com/fuel-efficiency/fuel-consumption/gas-price1.htm)

·     Taxes: 15%

·     Distribution and Marketing: 11%

·     Refining: 7%

·     Crude oil: 67%

In short, if your input crude is at INR 60 per litre, the going rate of petrol should be "crudely" at INR 90 per litre..

 

So, in short if the going rate of petrol is INR 65, then the government is paying INR 25 out of the total bill. Thus, the comparison with Pakistan and Malaysia is, at best, stretching the imagination, since what that simply says is that those governments are losing more money than ours.. I'd rather be in India right now.. Just to compare, at this time, the petrol rate in Germany is 1.47 euros/litre, roughly equates to INR 90!!! There must be a connection somewhere..

 

2.      What Oil Companies are we talking about?? I am an Indian that "cares", and from what I know, we purchase all our oil from the government and its subsidiaries.. Does the patriot want us to cause a loss to our own government??? But I agree, not buying fuel today can cause a dent to the OPEC which provides us the oil. But if I don't buy today, I have to buy tomorrow.. Since the rest of the world has not helped us with this boycott of fuel (even if everyone else helps out, I am sure Pakistan and Malaysia have no reason to, at their rates of fuel!!), all our abstinence has done is that we have not had access to the fuel, but the fuel has been depleted anyway.. Since now the total amount of oil available in the world has depleted, chances are it is going to be more expensive.. So, the fuel I needed today, is worth more tomorrow than it was today.. So, all I have done is paid more for, essentially, the same thing..

 

Nice way to indeed stick it up someone's behind..

 

3.      I don't recall the "Arab" countries promising anything two weeks ago.. Seriously, I read the papers every day.. I don't recall reading any such pledge.. Given the turmoil in Egypt / Tunisia if anything the Arab countries need higher oil prices to provide more subsidies to their people to prevent them from rioting.. Case in point, this is what I DID read last week http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hJ5YaJomrAvW9R4grf5sXiNBKxRA?docId=CNG.3a4459421ecb447810df126b36e389f3.341 :

"The parliament of Kuwait on Wednesday unanimously passed legislation to grant cash and free food to Kuwaiti citizens totalling over $5 billion to mark national occasions.

The grants, made last week by Emir Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah, stipulate paying 1,000 dinars ($3,580) (INR 1.6 lakhs) to each Kuwaiti citizen plus free distribution of essential food items for 14 months"

If we were Kuwaiti, we'd stand to make INR 4.8 lakhs for just the 3 of us!!

Incidentally, Egypt is not a member of OPEC, but Kuwait is.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OPEC

Speaking of OPEC members, 6 out of the original 13 members (Indonesia, Iran, Ecuador, Venezuela, Nigeria, and Angola) are non-Arab countries. Other major oil producers are: Russia, USA (Alaska), Norway & Canada. Again, none of the above are Arab.. So, calling them Arabs is kind of insulting, don't you think??

Agreed, we do need to reduce our dependence on oil, but abstaining from oil may not be the answer..

So here are things you might be interested in doing on Feb 14^th :

-          Travel by PMT bus.. or PMPML if you will.. Since the plan is for Valentine's Day, convince your date that she may be sweating, but at least she's sticking it to the big oil companies!!! You could even try using the bicycle, but if you are, make sure your date doesn't weigh too much..

-          Reduce your use of electricity and electrical devices. Switch off your refrigerators, your desktop computers, television sets.. While you're at it, try taking the stairs instead of the lifts.. Do not charge your cell phones that day as well.

-          Don't complain if your electricity is switched off.. You're using too much of it anyway..

-          Try not to buy to buy from Reliance Fresh or go to the malls.. These guys use large oil guzzling trucks to transport stuff across the country.. Instead, buy straight from a farm.. But do remember to travel by PMPML..

-          Definitely do not travel by plane.. Not today, not on the 14^th, not ever!!!

And while you're actually listening to me, here's what else you could do:

-          Try not to insult my intelligence by questioning my patriotism ("Indians who care") or influencing my emotions (Where does R.K. Laxman come in all this??)

-          Try not to create fake outrage through entire sentences in UPPER CASE.. There's enough screaming and shouting anyway..

-          Try not to write such long emails.. Remember, I can write them too!!

Sandgroper's Movie Minutes - Dhobi Ghat

Have you watched Dabangg??

 

If not, go watch it first, then return to this review..

 

If yes, run through the entire movie in your mind first..

 

What you liked…

 

What you didn’t like..

 

Now, write down 10 characteristics of a person who you think would have loved Dabangg..

 

Write them down point by point..

 

Now, for each point, write down the exact opposite of that characteristic..

 

Now, count how many of these new characteristics you will relate to..

 

Write down your percentage score..

 

That, roughly, is how much you will like Dhobi Ghat.

5 things that irritate me..

I'd say it irritates the s%$t out of me, but then since my bowels don't tend to get as irritated as I do, I'd stick to saying there's stuff that irritates me no end:

·         Numerological name changing:

I believe the wife of "The artist formerly known as Sonu Nigam" cooks better chapatis now that his name is spelled as Sonuu Niigaam (or however it is that he spells his name these days). And don't you know Ajay Devgn actually started making a logical Golmal series movie after he renamed it Goalmaaal 12?

 

How someone believes that their name spelled any different way would sound better luck for them is way beyond me. To complicate matters, most such "geniuses" have their name picked through the traditional Indian method of "akshar", their names should be therefore be changed in the traditional Devnagri scripts. The sad part is that Sonu Nigam, was easier to relate to than his Sonuu Niigaam.

 

 

·         The Times of India, and its various child parts.

My weekly newspaper bill comes to about Rs. 17. 4 weeks a month, comes to Rs. 68 / month. I recently sold 8 months of raddi newspaper – mostly ToI for Rs. 415 at Rs. 8 / kg.  By my maths, once the Raddi rates come to Rs. 11/kg for English newspaper, it might be worthwhile to ask the paper wallah to drop off the paper directly at the raddi wallah so that I don't waste my house space.

Circa 1980's the ToI was an inspiration for me. I wanted to be a journalist, I kid you not. But it irritates me today. Any paper that can sell its front page for the proverbial 30 pieces of silver (and some shares in the company that puts out the advert) doesn't deserve my sympathy. At least now, they have the decency to call Pune Times "An Entertainment and Marketing Feature". It's there, in the smallest print possible.

 

·         Celebrities:

Have you heard of Danielle Lloyd, Abby Clancy or Kim Kardashian?? I haven't. Good luck to them, but why exactly are they on the sports page of the ToI again??

 

Call it sour grapes if you will. But when the guy who lost 97 lakhs on KBC is more thrilled about getting an invite to the next Big Boss, you know something is wrong somewhere.  

 

·         SMS Language:

I believe in change.. I believe in the flexibility of the English language to accommodate different cultures and ability to have new words crop up. But please tell me what this sentence means:

"GM sir.. M nt flng 2 wll.. will cum tmrw"??

 

·         Acronyms:

Mankind has traditionally used acronyms. As kids, we would have acronyms for everything to give a naughty, teenager specific connotation. Most reading this post probably know that KLPD doesn't stand for the Kuala Lumpur Police Department. But these days things are going too far.. I got an email once which went something like "GM Chirag.. PFA <<the document>> as requested.. FYI, I need the response from you ASAP, preferably EOD".. The document also was in acronym format, but that's proprietary to the company, so cannot tell more..

 

It's all so FUBAR..

Given all this, imagine how I'd feel when I read the following line in a recent edition of Pune Times.

To ifollo Anushka, type ANUS <space> <your name> to 55558 for latest photos, clips and ringtones ….

10 Things I think I think - 2010 Edition..

10. I don’t know if I would be able to get to 10 things..

 

9. Contrary to what everyone seems to say, the level of bureaucratic corruption has reduced in my opinion. You might have your scams and your riggings, but the corruption that the common man had to endure is slowly, but steadily, reducing. For someone like me, interactions with the government (booking rail tickets, paying taxes,  heck, even getting a passport approved) were areas where I would have to pay some “commission”. Yet, each of these things I have done during 2010, without so much as leaving my house, and more importantly without an “agent”. Corruption exists, and exists everywhere. But it exists in situations where one party is completely dependent on the other party for something. Call it RTI, call it e-governance, but the level of dependence that I, an average citizen, had on the welfare state has reduced in the last 10 years. Ergo corruption has reduced. Even for that matter, the scams that are coming to light, is a good thing. It means that someone is watching.

 

8. I think a lot of the problems in the world would just be solved if people would just not mistrust people. Don’t trust someone blindly, but don’t mistrust them either.

 

7. I think Cheteshwar Pujara should bat No. 3 in Cape Town. Rahul Dravid should go to No. 6. 14 years ago, Dravid moved to No. 3 on the tour to SA. Changed Indian cricket for the better. Time to do the same before Dravid is subject to a Ponting-like witch hunt. Pujara at 3, gets the freedom to settle in, knowing that his getting out doesn’t mean the tail is to follow. The blame for the collapse would not be on him. Here’s an interesting stat: Pujara scored just 29 runs in Durban, but batted out 175 minutes. Look closely, that’s probably more than what Kallis, Tendulkar and De Villiers did (maybe even put together). Put Pujara at 3, and let him have Sehwag and Tendulkar on either side with Dravid and Laxman to follow. Will make a major change to his style.

 

6. It’s been a while since I have done the Things I think I think feature. I should do this more often. But somewhere, I feel there is very little incentive to think. The more you think, the more everything looks like a façade. You are told what to think, and everything is catered to that. Everything is now a marketing gimmick. Everything is fed to you, and everything is the truth. But there is no avenue to question, to discuss, to dissent, to change your opinions in the face of new evidence..

 

Thinking is passé.

 

5. Indian cinema needs good comedy. The last good comedy I saw was Khosla ka Ghosla. All other “funny” movies are the cinematic equivalents of laughing loudest at your own jokes..

 

There I said it.

 

4. Come to think of it, but probably India on the whole needs a good comedy. A “Flop Show” for our generation.

 

3. I still feel like crap for not having started work on writing a book. Maybe next year. Fingers crossed. Maybe I should blog more in fiction. That should get me in shape. For all of 2010, I have only 25 (or so) posts. So probably I need to improve on that too.

 

2.  Contrary to what might seem from the above points, I am still pretty optimistic about India. That’s the good thing about this place. There is a different vibrancy that you cannot help but feel that we’re on the verge of something special here.

 

My only worry is that no one will stop to think about it till it’s too late.

 

1. I’d like to wish anyone reading this a Very Happy New Year. Almost certainly not everything you plan at the start of the year will go as per plan.

 

But then this is not the time to think about it J

 

Have a fun filled 2011.

  

Praying at the temple of Che..

You know if he can play out 2 sessions today, he’s set for a long innings..

 

You know he knows that too..

 

You know he’s the best guy to do it..

 

You know he’s better than Suresh Raina..

 

You know he’s better than any other 23 year old currently playing cricket in India

 

You know he’s probably better than any other 23 year old currently playing cricket anywhere

 

You know he’s already scored more than Sachin & Rahul combined.

 

You know he’s CHÉ..